Working Out
Jake, Sandy Frank and Dana are doing pilates exercises (badly) along with the TV.
Sandy Frank: I think the best way of going about this is to make sure you've got all of your bases covered, then tell them to go fuck themselves.
Dana: Yeah, I guess, but I want to be able to use them as a reference, you know?
Sandy Frank: Didn't you hear about that new law that says you can't say anything bad about a former employee?
Jake: That doesn't make any sense. What's the point of references if you can only say good things?
Sandy Frank: Take it up with your congressman, man.
Dana: I've only been there for like 6 weeks, though, do you think it's bad that I want to quit, or should I stick it out?
Jake: You should get out of there as soon as you can before you're stuck working there forever.
Sandy Frank: I don't know, maybe it's because I was raised in a good Catholic family, but my parents always taught me that if I didn't like my job, I oughta learn to like it because if God wanted our lives to be easy, well, then we wouldn't have to work at all.
Jake: That's so stupid!
Sandy Frank: Excuse me?
Jake: Listen to what you're saying. You believe what you want, but idly believing in a God that wants our lives to be difficult is a little farfetched. It kind of proves…
Sandy Frank: Proves what, that you can't listen, that's what it proves. Life isn't supposed to be easy because we're supposed to prove whether we're good enough to go to heaven.
Jake: I'd just as soon live my life without worrying about that stuff.
Dana: But that's just it, life is shitty and God knows it. How are we supposed to live our lives knowing that God has set us up to fail?
Jake: If you don't like it, you don't have to believe it.
Dana: Yeah, but…
Sandy Frank: Don't listen to him. You're looking at it all wrong. God didn't set us up to fail, he just made things more challenging. Not just anyone deserves eternal bliss. Think about those assholes in your history class, do you want to hear them playing their fucking rap music while you're trying to sup at the table of the Lord?
Jake: If there's rap music in heaven, why do you still have to listen to that God-forsaken pipe organ every week in church?
Sandy Frank: Because the fucking pipe organ is the holiest instrument and God hates rap music. If you would just listen, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along.
Dana: Who cares which instrument is holiest?
Jake: I always thought it was the bagpipes.
Sandy Frank: Shut the fuck up, Jake.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesdays at Moore-ie's
Tradition dictates that when I work late at the Photo Lab, Lisa and sometimes Sandy Frank come up to the cage and we eat food and watch SVU.
Usually, we start off just eating some dining hall food that Lisa brings up, but that's never enough to satiate our monstrous appetites. Thanks to Campus Food.com, it has become even easier for us to eat way too much food, spend way too much money, and avoid exercise. We can now order meals online and even play games to get money knocked off the price. Last week, after eating Chicken Alfredo and fishcakes from the dining hall, we ordered the 3-meat, 2-side combo from Phoebe's BBQ. That's right. Three meats. Pulled pork, pork ribs, brisket, all smothered in tangy barbeque sauce with a side of garlic mash[ed potatoes], grandma's mac'n'cheese and an extra order of sneaky spicy greens. Needless to say, this was a lot of food.
We've sampled quite a few of the available restaurants on this website and have developed a sort of system for evaluating them. We rate them according to the following categories: Speed and Efficiency of Delivery, Taste/Quality, and Pounds of Food Per Dollar.
After the feast, we watch Law & Order: SVU on Netflix and digest the greasy goodness of our multinational takeout.
Who knows what culinary adventures await us this week at the photo lab?
Usually, we start off just eating some dining hall food that Lisa brings up, but that's never enough to satiate our monstrous appetites. Thanks to Campus Food.com, it has become even easier for us to eat way too much food, spend way too much money, and avoid exercise. We can now order meals online and even play games to get money knocked off the price. Last week, after eating Chicken Alfredo and fishcakes from the dining hall, we ordered the 3-meat, 2-side combo from Phoebe's BBQ. That's right. Three meats. Pulled pork, pork ribs, brisket, all smothered in tangy barbeque sauce with a side of garlic mash[ed potatoes], grandma's mac'n'cheese and an extra order of sneaky spicy greens. Needless to say, this was a lot of food.
We've sampled quite a few of the available restaurants on this website and have developed a sort of system for evaluating them. We rate them according to the following categories: Speed and Efficiency of Delivery, Taste/Quality, and Pounds of Food Per Dollar.
After the feast, we watch Law & Order: SVU on Netflix and digest the greasy goodness of our multinational takeout.
Who knows what culinary adventures await us this week at the photo lab?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Will Stranger and Gar Wolleridge
10 – The West
Gar and Stranger.
Stranger: I tell you what, a man gets ter thinkin' an' start to realize somethin' ain't right.
Gar: You mean, like, how ever'body's alw'ys needin' this feller tracked down er that fella killt, an how they's willin' to pay somebody to do it?
Stranger: If there's somebody in charge of all this, I'm fixin' to kill him.
Gar: You mean the railroad company?
Stranger: I mean the Lord Almighty if that's what it takes.
Gar: Hell of a bounty.
Stranger: What?
Gar: On God. I bet the sheriff'll pay out real good for Him.
Gar and Stranger.
Stranger: I tell you what, a man gets ter thinkin' an' start to realize somethin' ain't right.
Gar: You mean, like, how ever'body's alw'ys needin' this feller tracked down er that fella killt, an how they's willin' to pay somebody to do it?
Stranger: If there's somebody in charge of all this, I'm fixin' to kill him.
Gar: You mean the railroad company?
Stranger: I mean the Lord Almighty if that's what it takes.
Gar: Hell of a bounty.
Stranger: What?
Gar: On God. I bet the sheriff'll pay out real good for Him.
More Cowboy Talk
“56 Jesus said, "Whoever has come to know the world has discovered a carcass, and whoever has discovered a carcass, of that person the world is not worthy."” - The Gospel of Thomas
9 – bathroom
Eddie: So, I was thinking I might quit my job. (silence) I mean, well. It's, I mean, it's just that there's this guy there, you know, this asshole, and I just keep staring at the back of his head. He's got a bald spot and the hair grows out of it really weird, like it is really curly at the base and just sticks real close to the scalp like a snake, like a little sneaky snake, and then all of a sudden it sticks straight out of his head, but somehow, by the time you get to the end of the strand, somehow he found out how to control it and it just kind of sticks to the tips of all of the other strands of hair, except this one hair that is really short and thin and just sticks out. Well, anyway, it reminds me of when my dad had hair before he and his girlfriend shaved his head in the woods. We used to go camping all the time, and, well, one day while my sister and I were out at the swimming hole or something, we came back and there he was: Stone Cold Steve Austin. My dad. Shaved head. Goatee. I'm used to it now, but there's something about the way my dad used to search for things, how unsettled he was, how much he longed for a resolution. You know, back when he had hair. He's engaged now. Not to the one that shaved his head. Who cares about her? He's going to marry Jan. She didn't shave his head, but she likes it shaved anyway. So, yeah.
Stranger: Let me tell you somethin', (improvised speech, maybe about searching.)
Eddie: I just feel bad, you know, like everybody worked so hard, and here I am at this stupid job. I should have more to show for myself, you know? You know how many envelopes I stuffed today? 1,006.
Stranger: Yep. I reckon' it's about that simple. Like findin' what you was lookin' for. That inside of that bottle, that's the same as the inside of them envelopes. You get shit stuck to your fingers.
9 – bathroom
Eddie: So, I was thinking I might quit my job. (silence) I mean, well. It's, I mean, it's just that there's this guy there, you know, this asshole, and I just keep staring at the back of his head. He's got a bald spot and the hair grows out of it really weird, like it is really curly at the base and just sticks real close to the scalp like a snake, like a little sneaky snake, and then all of a sudden it sticks straight out of his head, but somehow, by the time you get to the end of the strand, somehow he found out how to control it and it just kind of sticks to the tips of all of the other strands of hair, except this one hair that is really short and thin and just sticks out. Well, anyway, it reminds me of when my dad had hair before he and his girlfriend shaved his head in the woods. We used to go camping all the time, and, well, one day while my sister and I were out at the swimming hole or something, we came back and there he was: Stone Cold Steve Austin. My dad. Shaved head. Goatee. I'm used to it now, but there's something about the way my dad used to search for things, how unsettled he was, how much he longed for a resolution. You know, back when he had hair. He's engaged now. Not to the one that shaved his head. Who cares about her? He's going to marry Jan. She didn't shave his head, but she likes it shaved anyway. So, yeah.
Stranger: Let me tell you somethin', (improvised speech, maybe about searching.)
Eddie: I just feel bad, you know, like everybody worked so hard, and here I am at this stupid job. I should have more to show for myself, you know? You know how many envelopes I stuffed today? 1,006.
Stranger: Yep. I reckon' it's about that simple. Like findin' what you was lookin' for. That inside of that bottle, that's the same as the inside of them envelopes. You get shit stuck to your fingers.
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Gunfighter in the Bathtub- Rough Notes for Script
Here are the rough notes and scenes that I've devised for the beginning of my video:
The Bathtub Cowboy
In a small bathroom, a cowboy, The Smithville Kid, sits (clothed) in the full bathtub smoking a cigar. He listens to NPR on a small clock radio.
Smithville: Gaza. Gaza, Gaza, Gaza. (speech)
I enter with Cragen necklace and sit down.
Smithville: Don't worry, this is art.
Me: If you say so. Do you mind?
Smithville: Not at all.
Smithville passes me the soap. I start rubbing it on my hands and neck.
Me: I think you should come with me to Connecticut.
Smithville: Why?
Me: There's somebody I need to talk to.
Smithville: Then...
Me: I know, but you should come. You know...
Smithville: Yeah?
Me: Yeah... well, I... can I ask you something?
Smithville nods.
Me: It's not like, I'm afraid exactly, well, I mean... I am, but... I guess it doesn't really count if you don't know why you're afraid. I'm going to McDonald's, do you want me to pick you up a Big Mac?
Smithville: You wanted to ask me about a burger?
Me: Sorry, I … got distracted... I guess I wanted to ask you for your advise.
Smithville: That's all?
Me: Forget it … Do you want that Big Mac or what?
The Gunfighter in the Bathtub
Dana M. Osburn
Characters:
Eddie Fowler – A young woman.
William Stranger – Formerly a notorious bounty hunter.
Job Hahner – A good man.
Sandy Frank – A friend.
Gar Woleridge – A black-hat lackey.
Assorted marshals, outlaws, prospectors and saloon folk.
God – A murder victim.
1 – Ext. - The West
Stranger enters with a gun in his bloody hands. He walks steadily forward with an unwavering gaze. In the center of town, a silent crowd has gathered and watches as he passes. A man in a black hat with a sheriff's badge leans on the post of the porch of the general store.
2 – Ext. - The Highway
Eddie drives.
Stranger (VO): I tell ya, ain't nothin's less romantic 'an a prairie moon. That cold'll drive a hole through you faster'n harder'n any rifle or revolver you ever seen.
3 – Eddie, Job, Sandy Frank
Stranger (VO): Maybe you got a horse or a dog or something, or maybe you got a fire or a mexican blanket, but you just can't quit your teeth from chatterin'. And every damned cactus praises God like a widow or a preacher's wife.
4 – Int. - Bathroom
Stranger sits in a bathtub fully dressed. Eddie sits on a seat next to him.
Stranger: You run your whole life, but that cold prairie moon's always gonna find you.
Eddie: Yeah … but there's got to be some kind of respect somewhere. You know? God, or the universe, or something … something created us, something has to love us.
Stranger: Love's got nothing to do with it.
5 – Int. - Living Room
On the couch, Eddie sits with her head on Job's shoulder and Job's arm wraps around her as they watch “So I Married an Axe Murderer” on the tv.
Eddie: Oh, man, that guy looks just like the cashier at ShopRight today.
Job: Weird.
Eddie: No, really. Do you think it's the same guy?
Job: Phil Hartman? I highly doubt it.
Eddie: How do you figure, genius?
Job: Because Phil Hartman was killed in 1998 by his crazy wife.
Eddie: Oh …
Sandy Frank enters looking like an Alaskan fresh from a snowstorm.
Eddie: Where were you?
Sandy Frank: I had to get bread and milk.
Eddie: Why?
Sandy Frank: Because it's snowing.
Eddie: What?
Sandy Frank: What do you mean, what? When it snows, you've gotta hurry up and buy bread and milk.
Eddie: What do bread and milk have to do with snow?
Sandy Frank: Oh, my God! You seriously don't know?
Job: Uh …
Sandy Frank: See, I told you. In Schuylkill County, our parents raise us to think ahead.
Eddie: Uh... I was there, too?
Sandy Frank: Yeah, but you didn't embrace the Skook. My parents and I, we understand how really great it is.
Job: But why do you buy bread and milk every time it snows? Is it Pavlovian or something?
Sandy Frank: Did you ever think that you might get snowed in?
Eddie: This is ridiculous.
Sandy Frank: Go ahead and laugh, because if we get stuck here, you can forget about sharing my milk.
6 – Exterior – The West
Stranger sits at a camp looking up at the stars. A man, called Gar Woleridge, wearing a black hat enters.
Stranger: They're dead, then.
Gar nods.
Stranger: Bastards. (He throws a handful of dollar bills and a crumpled wanted poster with the faces crossed out in red onto the ground.) “Wanted alive” … some good.
Gar: (laughing) Not enough money for you, Bill?
Stranger: Dammit!
Gar: Now, now, we know this ain't the first commission you'd ever took, and it won't be your last, right? Now, you go on'n forget about them women an' children just like all them other times, an' you gonna be just fine.
(black)
Stranger (VO): I had to kill that prairie moon.
7 – nowhere
Stranger: but first I had to find it.
8 – Living Room
Eddie: So, Phil Hartman's really dead? You're not pulling one over on me?
Job: Yeah, he's dead. Why do you think The Simpsons dropped their Troy McClure character?
Eddie: Wow … I wonder if God watched The Simpsons?
Job: Again, doubtful.
Eddie: Oh, right … so you really don't think anything happens to us after we die? There's no heaven?
Job: (improvised, honest answers)
Eddie: I think you're wrong. Maybe.
The Bathtub Cowboy
In a small bathroom, a cowboy, The Smithville Kid, sits (clothed) in the full bathtub smoking a cigar. He listens to NPR on a small clock radio.
Smithville: Gaza. Gaza, Gaza, Gaza. (speech)
I enter with Cragen necklace and sit down.
Smithville: Don't worry, this is art.
Me: If you say so. Do you mind?
Smithville: Not at all.
Smithville passes me the soap. I start rubbing it on my hands and neck.
Me: I think you should come with me to Connecticut.
Smithville: Why?
Me: There's somebody I need to talk to.
Smithville: Then...
Me: I know, but you should come. You know...
Smithville: Yeah?
Me: Yeah... well, I... can I ask you something?
Smithville nods.
Me: It's not like, I'm afraid exactly, well, I mean... I am, but... I guess it doesn't really count if you don't know why you're afraid. I'm going to McDonald's, do you want me to pick you up a Big Mac?
Smithville: You wanted to ask me about a burger?
Me: Sorry, I … got distracted... I guess I wanted to ask you for your advise.
Smithville: That's all?
Me: Forget it … Do you want that Big Mac or what?
The Gunfighter in the Bathtub
Dana M. Osburn
Characters:
Eddie Fowler – A young woman.
William Stranger – Formerly a notorious bounty hunter.
Job Hahner – A good man.
Sandy Frank – A friend.
Gar Woleridge – A black-hat lackey.
Assorted marshals, outlaws, prospectors and saloon folk.
God – A murder victim.
1 – Ext. - The West
Stranger enters with a gun in his bloody hands. He walks steadily forward with an unwavering gaze. In the center of town, a silent crowd has gathered and watches as he passes. A man in a black hat with a sheriff's badge leans on the post of the porch of the general store.
2 – Ext. - The Highway
Eddie drives.
Stranger (VO): I tell ya, ain't nothin's less romantic 'an a prairie moon. That cold'll drive a hole through you faster'n harder'n any rifle or revolver you ever seen.
3 – Eddie, Job, Sandy Frank
Stranger (VO): Maybe you got a horse or a dog or something, or maybe you got a fire or a mexican blanket, but you just can't quit your teeth from chatterin'. And every damned cactus praises God like a widow or a preacher's wife.
4 – Int. - Bathroom
Stranger sits in a bathtub fully dressed. Eddie sits on a seat next to him.
Stranger: You run your whole life, but that cold prairie moon's always gonna find you.
Eddie: Yeah … but there's got to be some kind of respect somewhere. You know? God, or the universe, or something … something created us, something has to love us.
Stranger: Love's got nothing to do with it.
5 – Int. - Living Room
On the couch, Eddie sits with her head on Job's shoulder and Job's arm wraps around her as they watch “So I Married an Axe Murderer” on the tv.
Eddie: Oh, man, that guy looks just like the cashier at ShopRight today.
Job: Weird.
Eddie: No, really. Do you think it's the same guy?
Job: Phil Hartman? I highly doubt it.
Eddie: How do you figure, genius?
Job: Because Phil Hartman was killed in 1998 by his crazy wife.
Eddie: Oh …
Sandy Frank enters looking like an Alaskan fresh from a snowstorm.
Eddie: Where were you?
Sandy Frank: I had to get bread and milk.
Eddie: Why?
Sandy Frank: Because it's snowing.
Eddie: What?
Sandy Frank: What do you mean, what? When it snows, you've gotta hurry up and buy bread and milk.
Eddie: What do bread and milk have to do with snow?
Sandy Frank: Oh, my God! You seriously don't know?
Job: Uh …
Sandy Frank: See, I told you. In Schuylkill County, our parents raise us to think ahead.
Eddie: Uh... I was there, too?
Sandy Frank: Yeah, but you didn't embrace the Skook. My parents and I, we understand how really great it is.
Job: But why do you buy bread and milk every time it snows? Is it Pavlovian or something?
Sandy Frank: Did you ever think that you might get snowed in?
Eddie: This is ridiculous.
Sandy Frank: Go ahead and laugh, because if we get stuck here, you can forget about sharing my milk.
6 – Exterior – The West
Stranger sits at a camp looking up at the stars. A man, called Gar Woleridge, wearing a black hat enters.
Stranger: They're dead, then.
Gar nods.
Stranger: Bastards. (He throws a handful of dollar bills and a crumpled wanted poster with the faces crossed out in red onto the ground.) “Wanted alive” … some good.
Gar: (laughing) Not enough money for you, Bill?
Stranger: Dammit!
Gar: Now, now, we know this ain't the first commission you'd ever took, and it won't be your last, right? Now, you go on'n forget about them women an' children just like all them other times, an' you gonna be just fine.
(black)
Stranger (VO): I had to kill that prairie moon.
7 – nowhere
Stranger: but first I had to find it.
8 – Living Room
Eddie: So, Phil Hartman's really dead? You're not pulling one over on me?
Job: Yeah, he's dead. Why do you think The Simpsons dropped their Troy McClure character?
Eddie: Wow … I wonder if God watched The Simpsons?
Job: Again, doubtful.
Eddie: Oh, right … so you really don't think anything happens to us after we die? There's no heaven?
Job: (improvised, honest answers)
Eddie: I think you're wrong. Maybe.
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