Ask Dana

Ok, so it's time to launch the advice column! Remember, if you need advice for anything, you can submit your question to DOsburn@Moore.edu and Dana (I) will answer it here on the blog!

Our first submission comes from an out-of-luck Hipogriff:

"Hi Dana,

I am a hippogriff who was under arrest and detained in a pumpkin patch. As a result, I have developed a fear of pumpkins. This fear has begun to adversely effect the quality of my life in that it disrupts and colors all interactions I have at semi-frequent family gatherings: Halloween is especially trying, as is Thanksgiving- albeit markedly less so. Also, my plume has lost some of its glossiness. What is your advice?

Sincerely,
Ruffled Feathers in Pennsylvania"




Dear Ruffled Feathers,

As an expert in clinical psychology with a focus in the treatment of advanced, trauma-induced phobias, I believe I am qualified to advise you.

Clearly, what is causing your problem has little to do with pumpkins themselves, but is actually the association of a traumatic experience with an ordinary, physical object.

In order to overcome this fear, I suggest that you embark upon a spiritual quest to re-orient yourself to your world and reacquaint yourself with your own goals and values. I feel that the best venue for such a quest would be Pete's Famous Pizza and Restaurant.

Thank you for submitting to "Ask Dana", and I wish you a speedy recovery.

Sincerely,
Dana O




Our next submission comes from the comment section of this blog:

"Dear Dana O:

Like any modern girl, I hook up with guys here and there.

Why can't I find lasting happiness?

Your friend,

"Brittney"





Dear Brittney,

I can't tell you how many times I get asked this question. (Probably because everyone knows that I'm an expert in finding lasting happiness.)

The reason that you're having problems is because your life lacks the single most important element necessary for a woman to be happy - Law & Order: SVU.

As emergency therapy for your problem, I recommend that you watch the entire 3rd and 5th seasons (they are clearly the peak seasons, as they debut Ice-T as Detective Tutuola and Diane Neal as ADA Casey Novak). The detectives of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit can teach you much more about true happiness than any crazy blogger, so get to the video store!

Thank you for submitting to "Ask Dana" and I hope you find lasting happiness!

Sincerely,
Dana O